Friend: Hey, Steve, thanks for inviting me to your dinner party tonight — itβs gonna be awesome, Iβm sooooo excited! By the way, just so you know — Iβm a vegetarian.
Me: Okayβ¦. So what does that mean?
Friend: It means I donβt eat meat, you silly goose.
Me: I know what a vegetarian is you fucking idiot, Iβm asking what it means in terms of dinner tonight because I was planning on cooking steaks. Steaks in a white wine, blood sauce — I already bought the marinade.
Friend: I donβt eat steaks. Or blood sauce.
Me: Obviously. So what do I need to do here? Should I just lay out some carrots or put a little hay in a bowl for you or something? Because I donβt have a trough.
Friend: Donβt be silly. I donβt want you to go through too much trouble. Just pick something up for me while youβre at the supermarket like some Tofu or a pack of Boca Burgers, you know, something that costs extra money on top of what youβre already spending on everyone else. And then when you get home just set aside enough time to cook my meal as well as the one youβre already cooking for all the other people. That way you can cook two entirely separate meals instead of just one in order to accommodate my lifestyle that doesnβt affect you at all.
Me: Why donβt you just eat meat this one time? I promise I wonβt tell anyone.
Me: Why not? Iβd be willing to sign something.
Friend: Because I donβt eat meat, Steve.
Me: FINE! Iβll just make chicken then.
Friend: I donβt eat that either.
Me: You donβt eat chicken? Yeah, right. Now youβre just making up stuff you donβt eat. I suppose you donβt eat chicken nuggets either?
Friend: No, nothing that was ever alive at one point.
Me: Vegetables were alive at one point.
Friend: Yeah, but they donβt have feelings.
Me: Oh, really? Donβt let Terri Schaivo or Christopher Reevesβ family hear you say that, you monster. What about eggs?
Friend: Yes, I eat eggs.
Me: Wait. You wonβt eat a chicken but youβll eat their babies? Are baby chickens considered to be vegetables? Like a legume or something?
Friend: No, theyβre eggs. I eat dairy. I didnβt say I would β the egg isnβt developed into a chicken yet soβ¦
Me: Right, so you believe in abortion and hate kids. And youβre a murderer.
Friend: No. I didnβt say th–
Me: Hey, how come you rarely come across vegetarians in countries that are starving like in Ethiopia, is that because theyβre not ungrateful little pieces of crap and they eat whatever they can get their hands on?
Friend: I donβt know, maybe itβs cultural.
Me: Thatβs racist. Look, I donβt want to make two separate meals.
Friend: Then why donβt you just make the entire meal vegetarian for everyone? And that way you can kill two birds with one stone. Or rather, two asparaguses with one stone. Thatβs a vegetarian joke.
Me: Okay, first of all, that joke is retardedβitβs got me questioning whether I should have even invited you over at all or continue being friend with you, but look, I really donβt want to argue anymore. Iβm done arguing. So you win, just tell me what you want me to make and Iβll just make it and let everyone know they have to suffer because of you. Youβre a baby.
Friend: Youβre the baby.
Me: No Iβm not. I want steaks!
Friend: You can still make steak if you want, just make meatless steaks, Iβve had βem, theyβre pretty good.
Me: What the hell are you talking about? Is that another shitty joke?
Friend: No, they make Tofu Steaks and Steak strips that taste just like steak except thereβs no steak in them.
Me: Meatless steak?
Me: Steak, with no meat.
Friend: Yep, and theyβre made to look and taste just like real meat.
Me: Hold up! No, no, no, no, NO! Absolutely not! You do not get to flavor your tasteless tofu brick-matter with the essence of meat. Itβs an insult to all the animals who had to actually go through the process of being murdered and having their heads chopped off so they could become delicious flavors in our mouths. Iβm sorry, but if you love your vegetables so much, you have to let your food taste like them. You canβt have your Gluten-Free cake and eat it too.
Friend: AHHHH! OKAY, I DONβT CARE WHAT YOU MAKE, DO WHAT YOU WANT, IF I CANβT EAT IT I WONβT, IF I CAN I WILL.
Me: No, now Iβm serving plain celery to everyone. Itβs decided. Thatβs whatβs gonna be for dinner. Everyone is going to get one stalk of celery and theyβll have you to thank for it. Iβll turn the whole world against you.
Friend: Fine Steve, you do that.
Me: And Iβm telling you right now just so you know, I may or may-not touch your celery with raw pieces of chicken bones without you knowing it. (May).
Friend: Okay, thanks for the heads up.
Me: I hate you with all of my heart — which means you canβt eat me. Because I have a heart.
Friend: Why would I eat you? Iβm a vegetarian.
Me: Then Iβll make a mold out of me, made from tofu and you can eat that. But it will taste exactly like me, which will not taste good.
Me: What about shrimp? Do you eat shrimp?
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