When I was a kid I always used to say if I could suck my own dick, Iβd never leave the house. But now that Iβm older and Iβve come to terms with how disgusting that would actually be, I can honestly say, if I could suck my own dick, Iβd never leave the house.
I masturbated everyday, everywhere — in every room — even in the attic and on the roof. If you held a black light over my house chances are youβd be able to see it from outer space. βHey, look it’s New York!β
I think the most exciting part of my adolescence was when I began exploring other ways to get off. (Have an orgasm). At some point plain masturbation became sort of boring. I wanted to feel what it really felt like to have sex with a woman. So I began taking on sexual partners that were known around my house for being inanimate objects.
I wasnβt the only weirdo, though. My friends would brag to me all about the red-hot affairs they were having with their remote control or lunch meat. We were total players. One friend once told me he fucked a birdhouse. I don’t even understand that. What did the neighbors think? “Honey, what the hell is Jimmy doing over there? Those poor birds.”
I would NEVER stick my penis in a birdhouse. I’d be afraid the bird would take off with it and feed it to itβs young. But I did have sex with other stuff. Once (when I was really desperate) I screwed a pair of flip-flops.
My parents had this couch in the living room that was fucking gorgeous. Italian leather with soft buttery skin. The back of the couch had these two supple cushions that met to form a small crack that you could stick you penis into. I know what you’re thinking- awesome, right?
The only problem (other than it being a couch) was that it was right up against a mirrored wall so you had to watch yourself face to face as you performed this heinous act. “Squeal couchy! Squeal!”
One time right as I was climaxing, I heard my momβs bedroom door open. I mustβve been too loud. Because the couch never made any noise. I pulled out — but it was too late. I already came. There was a mess everywhere β all over the couch, all over me and my mom was already on her way down the stairs. I quickly pulled boxer shorts up and stuck my back against the crack, which was…gross.
Yeah right. I wish I said that. But I didnβt have the heart to tell her. She would never accept me for who I was. I had to keep it a secret. I played it off, βNothing. Just watching TV.β She came over to me and my heart dropped. I thought βwhat are you doing?β βStay back.β But she kept approaching. I was sure she was gonna notice and then tell my father and then my father would punish me by sending the couch away.
But what happened was way worse. While I was sitting there β covered in my own semen, cum dripping down my back — she leaned down and gave me a kiss β ON THE MOUTH and she told me SHE LOVES MEβ¦and I told her I LOVE HER TOO! Ahhhhhhhh! Incest. I basically had sex with my mother. My Dad was gonna kill me. I needed to go to jail. I wanted help. But instead, she just walked back off to bed and I sat there staring into the endless abyss of my dismal future and thought to myself, ‘I think I’m ready to go again.’
Eventually, I went away to college and started having sex with humans which was different. I still think about the couch every now and then. Whenever there’s a furniture commercial on or a Pottery Barn magazine gets delivered, I’ll get hard. What? It’s a good magazine.