How cute is my baby? Look at this picture and say my baby’s cute because that’s what you’re supposed to do when I show you a picture of my baby.
“You’re baby’s fucking ugly, now leave me alone.”
“What? Wait, what do you mean?
“What do you mean – what do I mean?’”
“You think my baby’s ugly?”
“Yeah. Don’t you? I mean I understand she’s your daughter, but try to look at it objectively.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“No, you asked me for my opinion so I gave it to you. Honesty is really important to me. I remember one time when I was a kid and I bought this hat and I asked my mom if she —
“—Wait, do you really think Sarah’s ugly or are you joking, Steve? I can’t tell.”
“Am I joking? Are you joking? You’re telling me you actually think that your baby is attractive?”
“I think she’s beautiful!
“Forget it, forget I ever said anything. She’s cute, alright? You’re baby’s gorgeous — just like her mother.“
“No, you think she’s the most disgusting baby you’ve ever seen and –
“I never said most disgusting, I’ve seen way worse.
“Worse? Like who?”
“Like…baby Jessica, remember that girl that got pulled out of the well—“
“SHE’S A BEAUTIFUL BABY, STEVE!”
“Didn’t she come out of your womb like six weeks early — so there’s obviously a lot of underdevelopment there.”
“You know we had a hard time with her in the hospital.”
“I know, it really shows. She looks kind of like an albino rat, what do they call those things, pygmies? I just personally don’t find pygmies beautiful.”
Want a bite of this sandwich I’m about to eat, I’m starving?
I want nothing more than for you to take a bite of my sandwich so you can stop looking at it and let me enjoy it. And don’t just take a small bite; take a really big, juicy bite so I only have half the sandwich left by the time you’re done. Also, don’t waste your time biting into the crust, that’s the worst part, leave that for me. I want you to take the best bite of the sandwich, right in the middle where all the meat is. Come on,open your mouth as wide as you possibly can and wrap those sloppy lips of yours right around my sandwich.
Mmmm, wasn’t that good? Judging from that strain of saliva that’s stretching from your mouth to the middle of my sandwich as you pull it away, it’s fairly obvious. Don’t worry about it, I’ll just spread a little anti-bacterial gel on it and it should kill everything. It gives me such a thrill to be able to share this little piece of happiness, the only happy moment of my entire day actually, with you. Want some of my fries too you fucking asshole?
“STEPHEN SCHNEIDER, PLEASE PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!”
Hey babe, I have a better idea. Why don’t I just pee outside? I could start peeing in the woods like an animal. That way your life would be perfect. And I don’t mind at all; it could be fun. I’d feel like Bear Grylls – and this would be my very own Man vs. Wild adventure. What’s that? You think I might get a rash and there are rattle snakes out there? Please! Do I look worried? Hey, babe, did you forget who you’re talking to here — I’m ‘Mr. Never-Worry-About-Snakes-Guy.’ My snake versus their snakes, that’s what I say! And while I’m at it, I might as well live out there in the woods, and fuck a bear. I’ll start fucking bears and you’ll never have to worry about seeing me or my sloppy penis again.
How Much Do I Owe?
“Well, you had a beer with your meal and I didn’t so that means you owe $19.75 and I owe – what’s $19.75 minus two dollars plus 15%, but you’re tip should be a little higher since your meal was higher….”
It’s important to be fair in life. It simply wouldn’t be right if we split the check evenly. Sure it would be convenient, but name one person who ever won an award for being convenient. Let’s do this the right way. Break out your formulas, and your graphing calculator and let’s figure out who had what and what who owes. Otherwise, we won’t be even. We have to be even in life. Like if I buy you a beer, you have to buy me one, immediately after. Yes, we’re friends. Sure. And that’s exactly why I don’t want you to get screwed here. Oh, while you’re tallying up the bill, make sure you incorporate the 2 dollars in gas I spent to pick you up. You weren’t EXACTLY “on the way.” Plus, I gave you that bite of my sandwich so…
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