me vs. you

I like seeing my friends do well in life, but you know what I like more? When they fail and bad shit happens to them.

The other day my old roommate came up to me and told me how bullshit he was because he just got a parking ticket. And I said all the things a real human being friend is supposed to say in a situation like that like, “Oh dude! That blows! Fuckin meter-maids! They should just get a life right? So annoying!”

But that’s not what I was really thinking. What I was really thinking was, “Hahahahahaha! Yes! I’m glad you got a ticket! You have to pay fifty dollars and I don’t! You happy now you little piece of shit?”

I hope he doesn’t realize I moved his car into that spot.

But that’s what life is all about right? Doing better than your friends.

When my buddy told me his girlfriend dumped him, I told him how sorry I was and how terrible I felt for him and that if he needed anything – anything at all – I was there for him. But that was a lie.

First of all, I wasn’t gonna do anything for that idiot. Second, it made me genuinely happy to hear that news. One of the best days of my life. Seriously. Fuck that kid! That’ll cut him right back down to size. Who the hell did he think he was? Having a girlfriend in front of me!

Why should he be happy? I didn’t have a girlfriend. Nobody was making me omelets or washing my car or whatever it is those girlfriends do. Who knows? It’s all so secretive. But now he’s got nothing. Good.

I hope he doesn’t realize I talked her into it.

Am I a bad person? Yes. But I’m trying to make a point here. Look, if I have apples and you have oranges, I hope you choke to death on your oranges. Apples suck. They’re the worst fruit in the produce section. Nobody wants an apple. You can’t trade an apple for something. That’s why they have to dip them in caramel to get you to eat them. You know what else tastes good after you dip it in caramel? My sneaker.

But you know what I hate more than apples? Success stories.

Whenever somebody comes up to me and tries to ruin my day by telling me a “success story” about some hotshot asshole they know or read about who just accomplished some amazing thing, the first thing I always do — BEFORE shifting into my default emotion of jealous rage with a hint of depression — is ask, “How old he is?” Then I subtract my age from the successful person’s age so I know how many years I have before I need to accomplish that same goal. As I get older, that number is growing smaller and smaller. In fact, I have to make a million dollars before I finish typing this sentence so I’m going to keep typing here and not let this end because once I do it’s over and people will – DAMMITT.

Here’s my schedule for the next 5 years:
– invent a new search engine that’s way better than google
– become a ny times best selling author
– have sex with a black girl
– win an academy award (for having sex with a black girl) – not sure if that’s a category – just thought I could kill two birds with one stone. That’s right – my dick’s a stone. It’s fucking feldspar.

I’m into asking people how much money they have. People often think that success is measured by the amount of money you have. Well, that’s correct. So whenever I ask people how much money they have, here’s what I do after they tell me – I make use of the following equation:

[(how much money they have) + one million dollars] = X

X is how much money I tell them I have.

But it’s not all about your friends failing. It’s also about you succeeding in life and rubbing it in their faces. I enjoy doing this. But you have to act like it’s no big deal.

“I have a new TV show coming out in the Fall that I’m the star of. It’s no big deal or whatever. It’s gonna be on Comedy Central – I wanted it to be on NBC – but it’s gonna be on Comedy Central this fall. It’s gonna be huge though and I’m gonna be really famous and stuff.”

Of course, it’s more effective when you don’t have to lie like I just did. But you have to. You know, sometimes people will just walk up to me and tell me that they just ate at a really fancy restaurant or whatever and they’ll try to make me feel poor. So instead, I’ll just make an awesome lie like the TV show thing so my life seems better than theirs.

I would love to continue writing this blog but I’ve got to go. I have a date with the girl who played Vicki the Robot in Small Wonder [1985-1989]. What are you doing tonight?

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