Itβs funny, you can date someone for 4 years and after you break up, and a short period of time goes by, you act like complete strangers to one another when you see each other. I mean, we used to stick our fingers inside each otherβs butts for crying out loud! And now, itβs like talking to a complete stranger I just met in an elevator.
I bumped into an ex girlfriend of mine not too long ago, while she was with her new boyfriend and I was with my new girlfriend. We said hello to one another and casually bullshitted like we were at some corporate marketing convention in Banquet Room B of the Walacutta, Ohio Ramada. Wouldnβt it be nice if we could just all say what we were thinking?
Steve, meet Ted, heβs the new guy thatβs fucking me now.
Hey douche bag! I fuckin hate you!
Ted, Stephenβs the guy with the small penis I was telling you about.
Itβs nice to finally put a face on the penis, Steve. Thanks, Ted. So tell me, did she get that vaginal reconstructive surgery she always used to talk about or does her pussy still look like a sandwich from the Carnegie deli?Iβm so glad you brought that up, Steve, thatβs not normal, is it? I feel like it should come with a side of potato salad or something!
Itβs kinda why I broke up with her. Youβre better looking than me by the way, Ted. Did you know that?
I did know that, Steve. I think everyone in this bar knows that. Including your new girlfriend who clearly wants to fuck me. Oooooh! Nice one, Ted, but Iβm not so sure about that.
Babe. I do. And Iβm gonna fuck him for sure — behind your back.
Sounds good. Anyway, the two of you have fun, weβre gonna walk away now and start talking shit about you guys.
Go fuck yourselves!
And why is it when I run into my ex girlfriend and Iβm with my new girlfriend my ex girlfriend has to look like absolute shit. Put some fuckin makeup on, girl. And why are you fat now? Youβre embarrassing me. Now I have to have this conversation with the my new girl the entire ride home:
She used to be hot.
Sure she did, babe.
She did. Iβll show you pictures when we get back home.
I donβt want to see pictures of your ex-girlfriend.
Well, I donβt want you not blowing me because you donβt think I can do any better either. Youβre looking at the pictures. And then blowing me because youβre jealous.
I like to run into ex girlfriends when Iβm doing something really cool like seeing Harry Potter &amp; the Half Blood Prince in a movie theater alone. That way she can be really jealous of me and see how independent I am.
Oh hey Steve! This is my nephew, David, heβs six, and also really excited about seeing this movie, do you guys want to catch up for a second while I go call my new boyfriend and let him know how much of a fucking loser you are?
Sure. Soβ¦Davidβ¦do you jerk off to Hermione too?
The important thing to remember when running into an ex is to always act like youβre doing way better then you actually are. I want them to think that Iβm ahead of them in the game of life. So in my case that means lying.
I just won the Pulitzer. The Pulitzer Prize. I won it. What have you been up to? Did you win the Pulitzer because I did?Congratulations Steve, that’s great my husbandβs an author. Whatβs the name of your book?
Uh-, itβs calledβ¦.uh, Catcher in the Rye 2. Itβs about a corned beef sandwich….
After you break up with someone, one person should volunteer to leave the country and never return. You take North America and Iβll take Albania, and if youβre ever going to be in my area, let me know and Iβll just kill myself. Iβd rather do that than see you again.