Whenever I shower with my girlfriend I end up standing there like an asshole — shivering; hoping some of the hot water sheβs enjoying will splash off her body and onto mine before I get hypothermia and have to be rushed to the hospital.
Watching someone else shower is like waiting in line at the bank. All I can think is, βThis sucks. Whenβs it gonna be my fuckin turn already? How much longer do you need lady?! Iβm gonna kill every mother fucking last one of you!β
I donβt know what it is, but having a naked woman in my shower turns me on. Is that normal? Shower sex sounds like a great idea. When I watch pornos and people have sex in the shower they always look so suave, confident and coordinated. Itβs not like that at home.
I like to start the festivities with a little mutual shampoo action. You know, you wash my hair, Iβll wash yours until I get my fingers stuck and accidentally pull out your hair and you yell at me and I ruin the moment. Shampooing a womanβs hair is nothing like shampooing your own. It takes forever. The soap never comes out. And itβs pointless because sheβs going to redo it afterward. Either way, I somehow always manage to get soap in both of our eyes and we have to feel around the shower like Stevie Wonder looking for a washcloth. Cue porn sting.
Sometimes if things get going and our eyes arenβt burning, a wave of passion will rush through my body and Iβll suddenly get excited and feel like I can do anything. Thatβs when Iβll pick her up in my arms and try pinning her against the shower wall like I saw on Cinemax. This is pretty awesome for about one minute at which point my legs start shaking and I look like I have Parkinsonβs and have to put her down. βOh, Iβm sorry babe, didnβt you know? Iβm a weakling. That is why I canβt hold you. I am not able to lift 100 lbs. Even though the wall is helping me β so really, more like 40 lbs. I canβt lift 40 lbs. Maybe you could lift me up? I could wrap my legs around your hips and you could do me. Or maybe you could just bend me over and you can be the guy in this relationshipβ¦how badly is all this making you want to fuck me right now?β
You know, I can never seem to find the right position in there. Itβs like one big game of Tetris to me. I get all creative with my surroundings. βAlright honey, hereβs what I want you to doβ¦.put your left foot on the soap ledgeβ¦.now wrap your right arm over that bar and put your pinky toe on the faucet. Good. Now Iβm gonna put my knee over here I want you to hold my neck so I donβt fall. Okay. Got it. Wait! I have a cramp. I HAVE A CRAMP. OW, OW, OWβ¦!β Coitus one, Schneider nothing.
And thatβs usually when I grab the curtain rod by accident and pull the whole fuckin thing down. Every time. I know Iβm not supposed to touch it because itβs not drilled into the wall and yet I canβt help myself. I grab it, the whole thing comes crashing down and I slip and almost kill myself. Then I have to call a time out on sex while I put the friggin thing back together with a boner for fourteen minutes. βJust hang on babyβ¦ I got it. Waterβs going everywhere. Hang on I said. The shower rings wonβt go back on the thing. JUST HANG ON A GODDAMN MINUTE I SAID! Iβm fucking freezing, you enjoying that hot water? I hate you right now. THERE! I GOT IT BABE! Now lift me up and fuck me against the wall.β
Ever try to eat pussy while your both standing under the shower? Itβs the closest Iβve ever come to death by drowning. I wear floaties now when I do it and have a lifeguard on duty. I was thinking about picking up some scuba gear and taking a class.
Oh, I also learned recently that itβs not okay to pee in the shower anywhere near or on the person standing next to you. Especially when you have an erection. Evidently, the only person who thinks it would be cool if I pee over her shoulder from a standing position without hitting her body is me.