I’m glad you said something because I was going to smash it on the ground the second you handed it to me. But, now that youβve warned me thereβs now way I can make that look like an accident.
βSo the reservationβs for 19 and thereβs barely any room left β just one chair and it’s nailed to the ceiling and it has a maximum weight capacity of 5 lbs less than you weigh but if you really want to go, Iβm sure itβs no big deal. All you have to do is call the birthday girl β even though youβve never spoken her in your life — and she only speaks Hindi, no English — and just ask her to put you on the list for her private birthday party β the one for friends and family only with no Steves.β
Iβm not a fan of when performers say βcontroversial thingsβ at concerts just to make people like them or think they’re cool. That doesnβt work in real life like when your girlfriend’s about to break up with you because she just caught you cheating on her and sheβs been screaming about how much she hates your guts for hours until finally she says, βWell? What do you have to say for yourself?β
One time I was at a Mailbox Etc. and was told that the bathrooms are for customers only. And I was like, βI just got to make a pee-pee. Please!β But the woman was rude and she was like, βSorry. Customers only.β So I said fine. βIβd like to buy a stamp.β I paid my 37 cents, got the receipt, took a shit on the bathroom floor and returned the stamp for a full refund on my way out the door.
Can the cellphone companies just get together for a weekend and agree that pressing # after youβre done leaving a message brings you back to the main menu instead of sending it after you just finished recording a message that ended like this:
It really bothers me when people stare at a paintings at an Art Gallery for really long time s because they have now idea what to do. So here’s the SECRET: What youβre SUPPOSED to do is count to 30 in your head and then move on while making a face that says, ‘interesting’ even though you can’t wait to get the fuck out of there.
How Was Your Flight?
βTerrible! I had a layover in Atlanta for two hours. THEN right as weβre about to board they get on the loud speaker and delay us another hourβ¦ Finally, they get us all on the plane and weβre about to take off until the captain comes on and says theyβre holding us for weather. I look out my window and itβs 90 degrees and sunny β so I said, βMaybe we should just drive the plane there!β didn’t I honey?β
If thereβs one thing I know I would definitely do if the phone rang in the middle of the night (other than answer it) it would be to turn on 150 watts of blinding light two inches away from my face at three in the morning. But then again, I’m just being logical.
Friend Driving Me to the Airport
Whenever I’m running late to the airport and my friend agrees to drive, he all of a sudden will not break the speed limit. He goes extra slow on purpose just to try and teach me a lesson.
But ultimately it is I who teaches him the lesson because I have lied about my departure time, and we left 3 hours before we had to and I made him drive me to the wrong airport first. This way he guns it across town to the right airport because he hates me so much and he can’t stand being in a car with me. There’s definitely a lesson in there.