I pulled over and sat in my car for a minute β frozen, my heart pounding away in my chest. Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom. There was one thing on my mind. The only thing I could think about: What the hell happens to my cell phone when I die?
Then she makes me promise β swear — I wonβt show anyone the dirty pics she’s about to send me. So I swear to God. Swear to Jesus, Mohammad, on everyone’s life that I will not show a single soul a single nipple. She sends. And then the first chance I get — I break out my phone at the bar and show everyone the pics. βHow cool am I?! I have a naked girl on my phone! Look, Bartender! Look!β
Itβs really tough to get a good shot of your penis, isnβt it? You have to figure out the right angle to make it look bigger than it really is. I find shooting down the side, not head on, so to speak, works better. I also purchased a βMiniature Lighterβ which I hold next to it for scale. And then when I send the picture I say in my text, βBy the way, thatβs not one of those miniature lighters.β Even though it is.
I donβt really consider myself a dick photographer. Itβs more like a hobby. But Iβve gotten pretty good at it. I’m thinking about offering classes. Maybe some online stuff for seniors, I donβt know. My real dream is to one day open up my own dick studio. The Academy of Fine Dick.
βMrs. Schneider, weβre terribly sorry about your son. All that we could salvage from the burning rubble was his cell phone. This is all youβll have to remember him by. This and whateverβs on it. Which is ironic, considering he got into the accident while he was texting on his phone. Would you like to see the last text he sent?β
β– Itβs the angle maβam. He shot it down the side, not head on. That’s a miniature lighter. He says in the text that it’s not one, but it definitely is. Look, hereβs some of the other pics he took where it doesnβt look as big, see?β
I need to get a contingency plan in place. If I go down, whoβs got my back? Or my front, rather. Whoβs gonna erase my fucking pictures? Can we all just agree right now, right here that no matter what happens or how little we know one another or how much we hate each other, that we all promise to do each other this one final favor?