This is me walking through Ikea…

“Okay. Just gotta get that dresser and I’ll be on my way. Let’s see…which way are the dressers? Dressers…dressers…Ooh I like that couch. No. Dressers. Okay so living rooms are this way…that looks like dining rooms over there….I like that garbage can. Do I need a garbage can? Wait, what the fuck? Are those shelves just sticking out of the wall? How the hell do they do that? They must be magnets or something. Wait, this can’t be right. It says they’re seventeen bucks. That’s impossible. No it’s not. They’re really seventeen dollars…huh. I guess I should just get one. I have nothing to put on it. Is that a fucking shoe rack? That’s awesome. Stop – find the dresser. Wait where am I? Wait a second. Seriously. Where the fuck am I? I gotta get outta here. How do you get out of here? Alright, I gotta go. Does anybody work here? Okay, I’ll just follow the arrows. Follow the arrows, dude and they’ll obviously get you out of here. The arrows will take you to safety. Wait a minute. Where are you taking me, arrows? No, I don’t want to see the kids furniture. Why are you showing me cribs? Get me outta here. Um…I’m pretty sure I already went that way, arrows. WHAT? Now I’m back at the beginning. There’s that garbage can. I need my Magellan. STOP. I ALREADY SAW THE SHELVES. I’M BUYING ONE ALREADY. STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES WITH ME IKEA. I like that table. I’m gonna throw up. HELP! DOES ANYBODY WORK HERE? PLEASE IKEA. PLEASE. LET ME GO AND I WON’T TELL ANYBODY…I SWEAR. PLEASE….


Dear Ikea,

You make pieces of shit. I thought I bought a wooden dresser from you. But it’s not wood. In fact, it’s cardboard. You sold me a cardboard dresser for fifty bucks. The homeless guy on my street has a cardboard dresser — he made it out of the box my dresser came in.

By the way, how stupid am I? I thought the dresser came with screws! I’m such a dummy! WHY THE HELL DOESN’T IT COME WITH SCREWS? Were people complaining? “Do you believe this, honey? They included screws. God dammit. Now I’m not going to have to get really angry, start drinking early and scare you with that Lord of the Rings sword I bought from SkyMall. I guess I’ll just put the dresser together instead.”

Or maybe you’re just smarter than us, Ikea. It is possible that there are a surplus of screws in the world right now and people just don’t know what to do with them. So you figured you’d create a product that could meet the demands of our modern market.

Meanwhile, I went back to get the screws, it took me an hour and a half, I had another panic attack and they ended up costing more than the fuckin dresser.

Speaking of getting screwed, I once bought a mattress from you and it was not good. I felt like Nelson Mandella for an entire year. I watched The Count of Monte Cristo and became extremely jealous of his living situation. I dug a hole through my bedroom floor and ended up in my landlord’s apartment. She lives below me and was not happy. You owe her money.

I know what you’re going to say, Ikea – but what about our meatballs? Why are you starting in with the meatballs again, Ikea. Guess what, they’re gross. I don’t eat meatballs from a company who also makes toilet plungers. Although it does make sense – assuming you started making meatballs first.

Let’s talk about your hot dogs.

How the hell can a hot dog cost $0.50? Somebody needs to explain that. Because I’m pretty sure you’re making a mistake. I’ve been running the figures in my head for months and I don’t think it’s correct. That price includes a hot dog, a bun, UNLIMITED mustard, ketchup and relish, napkins, the cost to heat the hot dog on those rollers – you know, the same ones you drag your luggage across at airport security, the little plate they serve it on AND the salary of the employee serving the hot dog – for fifty cents. IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. DO THE MATH. It should be way less than that. Unless it comes with screws. Then I would get it.

Please Get Back to Me,


Also, about your pencils – shove them up your ass, Ikea. People don’t use pencils anymore. Pencils are for faggots. You’re a faggot, Ikea.


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