Hey, thanks for inviting me to your wedding thatβs taking place on the other side of the country. I was just looking at this pile of money here and wondering what the hell I was going to do with it. But now I guess Iβll spend it on your wedding because thatβs whatβs important to me, not paying my bills.
You rule Expedia.com! Only $750 for a plane ticket? If websites were people youβd be my best friend because you never try to take advantage of me. And hotel.com, youβre my other pal because youβre only charging me $500 to stay at the Embassy Suites for three days where Iβll sleep under covers that are infested with some derelictβs sperm and his girlfriendβs vagina bugs. Two hundred more of my dollars to Mr. Tux so I can look like a complete asshole on a team of assholes and Iβm on my way. Oh wait, I almost forgot the gift! What am I some kind of cheap-o?
You HAVE to get married in life, I mean, otherwise, what the hellβs the point, right? I donβt want to be alone at the end of the day without someone giving me instructions on what I should do next. Who will remind me to take the garbage out or that Iβm not a good person? Also, spending TWICE the money as a single person and buying two of everything just feels right. I need 2 cars, 2 cell phone bills and 2 different kinds of shampoo because evidently βyou canβt use Pert Plus on a womanβs hair.β If I wasnβt spending Iβd be saving, and what good would my money be doing if it were sitting in a bank somewhere providing me with financial security? Gotta put my cash to work.
Hotel check-in time. As I approach the counter, I think about my odds as to whether or not the hotel has fucked up my room. If I had to bet, Iβd say thereβs a 90% chance theyβll be sticking me in a smoking room with two double beds. Okay, more like 100%. While Iβm at the counter, one of my friends thinks it would be a great idea if we shared a room, considering weβre thirty and heβs the cheapest motherfucker ever. I pretend I have a cold and threaten to get him sick if we go splitsies. But he insists and it looks like weβre gonna be the two weirdos at the wedding who are βsleepingβ in the same room.
Before I know it, weβre off to the wedding rehearsal. What wedding would be a success without a successful Wedding Rehearsal? This is where you practice how youβre going to walk in a straight line for twenty-five yards, stand in place for the duration of the ceremony and then walk back. Certainly nothing you could figure out on the eve of the wedding. We do it six times.
This is followed by the Rehearsal Dinner which Iβm not so sure is necessary. Iβve been eating dinner since 1980 and Iβve gotten pretty good at it. You could say Iβm a natural. But the best part of this event is talking to the bride and groomβs relatives for hours on end about absolutely nothing. The key to a successful conversation here is to keep bringing up how you βcanβt believe theyβre actually getting married.β Whenever there is a lull in the conversation, just come right back to that thesis. Neither of you will really mean it, but it will fill the void of having to awkwardly stare at each other with nothing to say.
Also, if you stumble upon a funny joke that works like βI canβt believe heβs getting married either, I thought he was gay!β, just keep using it with everyone you talk to. Most people are so clueless theyβll think itβs the first time you said it. And if not, who cares? Theyβre probably just happy someoneβs talking to them in the first place.
Speeches are a great way to share the inner-most personal feelings youβve had bottled up inside you for years but were previously too sober to express. Itβs also an opportunity to embarrass the shit out of yourself. If youβre the best man, donβt write a speech. In fact, donβt do any preparation whatsoever. Just get wasted and wing it. Studies show that people actually prefer to hear speeches that are essentially one long run-on sentence and make absolutely no sense at all:
β¦Wellβ¦we are all here for thisβ¦blessed unionβ¦of holy matrimonyβ¦joining two people togetherβ¦intertwined with one and other, living their lives together in love, both each other headedβ¦for weddedβ¦blissβ¦.(burp)β¦.
The only thing better than a live band at a reception is a Wedding DJ. Wedding DJβs are people who own iPods. They make sure your wedding is a hit, by standing around the iPod and preventing it from getting unplugged during the celebration. Not everybody knows how to plug those things back in. Theyβre confusing! USB, MP3, GGG, Iβm old, I donβt get it!
When I was a kid, I was always told I should wait an hour after eating before going swimming. Well, this is definitely NOT the case when thereβs a dance floor involved and you just finished eating a three-course meal at a wedding. After you suck down your meal and youβve fill your stomach to the brim with rolls, cake and alcohol, get your bloated ass on the dance floor for the Electric Slide and start working off those calories. If this causes you to briefly vomit in your own mouth youβre doing it right.
People never know how much to give for a wedding gift and my opinion on this is you should give people zero. What I like to do is send them a card with a photocopy of all my expenses for the week and a pink Post-it note on top that reads, βYouβre Welcome, Assholes.β
It really doesnβt matter what you give people for a gift because whatever you give them, they give you right back. Itβs the Golden Rule of Weddings: βGive people the exact amount of money they gave you, not a penny more, or a penny less and please donβt ask questions about why that makes no sense.β
The other option is to βforget the giftβ on the day of the actual wedding. People say you have a year to give one, but you know what else takes a year? Forgetting who gave you gifts in the first place.