The following is a real conversation that took place between me & DirecTV.

Recording: Thank you for calling DirecTV. Please say or enter your 10-digit phone number followed by the pound key.
Me: 5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5 #
Recording: You entered 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, if this is correct, press or say 1.
Me: One.
Recording: Youre response was not understood. You entered 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, if this is correct, press or say 1.
Me: One.
Recording: Para Espanol oprima numero dos.
Me: What the fuck? Operator.
Recording: Youre response was not understood.
Recording: Youre response was not understood.
Recording: Youre response was not understood. To speak to a live representative, say, Representative
Me: Representative.
Recording: Please hold while we transfer you to a live representative.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: Youre response was not understood. Kidding.


Never Gonna Give You Up RICK ASTLEY
All That She Wants ACE OF BASE
Barely Breathing DUNCAN SHEIK

Ive been thinking about having them DJ my 30th.

Me (singing): but I could stand here waiting. ooh for another daygo so far, so far, so right so far but I wont stay-yay-yay yeah. And Im thinking it ov — Hello?
Live Operator: Thank you for calling DirecTV, can I have your 10-digit home or wireless phone number?
Me: Good jam. I already punched it in.
Operator: Hello, sir? Can I please have your 10-digit home or wireless phone number?
Me: Yes, Its 555-555-5555
Operator: Okay how can I help you today, Mr. Schneider?
Me: Im just calling to make sure that someones coming tomorrow to hook everything up. I called and setup an appointment 2 weeks ago and tomorrows the big day! You guys are pretty backed up, huh?!
Operator: Yes, Mr. Schneider, were really busy. Youre appointment is in fact scheduled tomorrow between the hours of 7am and 3pm.
Me: Eight hours, huh?
Operator: Whats that?
Me: An eight-hour window tomorrow? Thats the best you can do? You cant narrow it down to seven? You know, so I dont have to sleep by the front door?
Operator: No, sir.
Me: Okay, no big deal. Ill just spend my entire day waiting around for them to come and install the cable. I wont do anything tomorrow but wait around. I was gonna try to accomplish something but instead Ill just wait.
Operator: Yes, sir.
Me: Fine. So just to make sure, theyre bringing me a DVR box tomorrow, right? So I can record my shows?
Operator: Um, actually, no. It says here that you requested a regular box.
Me: That cant be right. Im one million percent sure I ordered a DVR box.
Operator: Its not showing that here. Thats an additional charge.
Me: Okay, well I still want the DVR so just bring it and charge me whatever it is.
Operator: Unfortunately, we cant do that, sir.
Me: Why? Dont tell me youre out of them.
Operator: Oh, no, we have thousands of DVRs. Im actually looking at a huge pile of them right now.
Me: Then whats the problem?
Operator: We cant alter any information about the appointment after its been set.
Me: Seriously? You cant just bring the other box?
Operator: No.
Me: So how do I get the other box?
Operator: You have to cancel this appointment and create a new one with the DVR.
Me: Well, the appointment will still be on the same day, right?
Operator: Theres actually no way of knowing that until we setup the new appointment.
Me: Seriously? Wow. Okay, fine. So let’s do this, if I cant get the same appointment on the same day, then just forget the box. Ill live without it. It will be awful but Ill get a VCR or one of those Beta machines or something.
Operator: We cant do that, sir. In order to setup a new appointment, you have to cancel your old appointment first.
Me: Wait, I have to risk losing my original appointment if I want a new one?
Operator: Yes.
Me: But wont there be an opening in the schedule if I cancel my old appointment?
Operator: Yes.
Me: Then cant I get that opening?
Operator: I dont know, sir. Theres no way to tell what the system will do until I actually do it.
Me: Why do I feel like Im in Vegas, its 4:30 in the morning, Im wasted and shaking from 17 Redbull Vodkas and Im about to play Wheel of Fortune with my last $20?
Operator: Im not following.
Me: You’re asking me to gamble my old appointment away.
Operator: I dont gamble, sir.
Me: Whats your name?
Operator: Julie.
Me: Listen, Julie. Its just you and me here on the phone. Forget about DirecTV for a second. And the “system.” It’s just you and me. You know what the right thing to do is in this situation. Im a nice guy and youre a nice girl. Just tell them to bring the other box and no one will ever know. I wont tell a soul. You wont tell a soul. Who knows, maybe one day well meet up and Ill take you out for an ice cream cone. But either way, well never speak a word of this as long as we live. Well take this secret to our graves, what do you say? Do me a favor.
Operator: Its against our policy, sir.
Me: Is it because this call is being recorded?
Operator: No, sir.
Me: You know, I elected to answer the survey after the call is finished.
Operator: Would you like me to schedule you a new appointment?

Me: Okay, Fine! Screw it. Just do it.
Operator: You want me to cancel this appointment and reschedule you a new one with the DVR?
Me: I dont have any other choice, right?
Operator: Not if you want the DVR.

Me: Okay, lets go for it. Maybe Ill get lucky.

Operator: Okay, so I just canceled the old one, and now Im going to try and reschedule your new appointment.Im lookingfor a new appointment for you right now. Okayhere we gothe earliest available appointment is fourteen days from now.

Me: WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING? How is that possible? Im pretty sure theres an appointment slot available on the same day I just had or did some asshole who just ordered service three seconds ago get an appointment the very next day? I want my old appointment back.
Operator: Im sorry. Theres nothing I can do. The old one is gone.
Me: I cant believe this. This is ridiculous. You can forget about that ice cream cone, Julie. You can forget about everything! Okay… I need you to transfer me to your supervisor?
Operator: You want to speak to my supervisor? Shes going to tell you the same thing.
Me: Thats okay. I’ll take my chances. I’ve been this lucky so far….
Operator: Okay, let me see if shes available.

Song: Never Gonna Get It EN VOGUE

Oh, the irony….

Operator: Okay, sir I can transfer you to my supervisor now.

I’m thinking, yeah, right. Like her supervisor isnt the fat bitch sitting right next to her who she’s going to hand the phone to right after she asks her to Talk to this asshole and pretend youre the supervisor.

Come on, Tracy! Just do it!
I dont want to get in trouble, Julie. Im about to get another service star.
I would do it for you, Trace. I thought we were the crazy ones in the office.
We are the crazy ones.
Then be crazy and do this, girl. Please?! Ill show you a picture of Mikes dick from accounting.


Supervisor: Hi, this is Tracy, the Floor Supervisor, how can I help you?
Me: Hi Tracy, are you really the manager?
Supervisor: Yes. How can I help you today, Mr. Schneider?
Me: What was that noise in the background? It sounds like somebodys laughing.

I explain the entire story to which she responds,

Supervisor: Like Julie said, theres nothing we can do.
Me: Theres nothing you can do?
Supervisor: Theres nothing I can do sir, my hands are tied.
Me: How are you talking on the phone then?
Supervisor: What do you mean? Im using a headset.
Me: I was kidding. Never mind. Is there someone else I can talk to whose hands arent tied? Like Jesus?
Supervisor: Nope. Im the floor manager, sir and Jesus doesn’t work here.
Me: So theres no one else I can talk to that can help me? No one at all?
Supervisor: That’s correct.

I wanted to scream. Tracy didnt give a shit about me. I had no recourse, I was exhausted, angry. I was helpless. I did the only thing left I knew how to do. I asked Tracy what her full name and Employee ID was and I pretended to write it down, hoping to scare Tracy into helping me. But the reality was that both Tracy and I knew that theres was nothing I could do with that information. Who was I gonna tell? How long was I gonna have to sit on hold to tell it. And ultimately, what was I gonna say? She was doing her job exactly the way she was instructed to do it. And after all of it was all said and done, shed probably get another fucking service star.


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