Recording: Thank you for calling DirecTV. Please say or enter your 10-digit phone number followed by the pound key.
Me: 5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5 #
Recording: You entered 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, if this is correct, press or say 1.
Recording: Youβre response was not understood. You entered 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, if this is correct, press or say 1.
Recording: Para Espanol oprima numero dos.
Me: What the fuck? Operator.
Recording: Youβre response was not understood.
Recording: Youβre response was not understood.
Me: OPERATOR. OPERATOR. OP-A-FUCKING-RATOR! YOU CANβT UNDERSTAND THAT YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MACHINE?! GIVE ME A HUMAN! 0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0, 00000000000000!!!!β
Recording: Youβre response was not understood. To speak to a live representative, say, βRepresentativeβ
Recording: Please hold while we transfer you to a live representative.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: Youβre response was not understood. Kidding.
Me (singing): β¦ but I could stand here waitingβ¦. ooh for another dayβ¦go so far, so far, so right so far but I wonβt stay-yay-yay yeah. And Iβm thinking it ov — Hello?
Live Operator: Thank you for calling DirecTV, can I have your 10-digit home or wireless phone number?
Me: Good jam. I already punched it in.
Operator: Hello, sir? Can I please have your 10-digit home or wireless phone number?
Me: Yes, Itβs 555-555-5555
Operator: Okay how can I help you today, Mr. Schneider?
Me: Iβm just calling to make sure that someoneβs coming tomorrow to hook everything up. I called and setup an appointment 2 weeks ago and tomorrowβs the big day! You guys are pretty backed up, huh?!
Operator: Yes, Mr. Schneider, weβre really busy. Youβre appointment is in fact scheduled tomorrow between the hours of 7am and 3pm.
Me: Eight hours, huh?
Operator: Whatβs that?
Me: An eight-hour window tomorrow? Thatβs the best you can do? You canβt narrow it down to seven? You know, so I donβt have to sleep by the front door?
Operator: No, sir.
Me: Okay, no big deal. Iβll just spend my entire day waiting around for them to come and install the cable. I wonβt do anything tomorrow but wait around. I was gonna try to accomplish something but instead Iβll just wait.
Operator: Yes, sir.
Me: Fine. So just to make sure, theyβre bringing me a DVR box tomorrow, right? So I can record my shows?
Operator: Um, actually, no. It says here that you requested a regular box.
Me: That canβt be right. Iβm one million percent sure I ordered a DVR box.
Operator: Itβs not showing that here. Thatβs an additional charge.
Me: Okay, well I still want the DVR so just bring it and charge me whatever it is.
Operator: Unfortunately, we canβt do that, sir.
Me: Why? Donβt tell me youβre out of them.
Operator: Oh, no, we have thousands of DVRs. Iβm actually looking at a huge pile of them right now.
Me: Then whatβs the problem?
Operator: We canβt alter any information about the appointment after itβs been set.
Me: Seriously? You canβt just bring the other box?
Me: So how do I get the other box?
Operator: You have to cancel this appointment and create a new one with the DVR.
Me: Well, the appointment will still be on the same day, right?
Operator: Thereβs actually no way of knowing that until we setup the new appointment.
Me: Seriously? Wow. Okay, fine. So let’s do this, if I canβt get the same appointment on the same day, then just forget the box. Iβll live without it. It will be awful but Iβll get a VCR or one of those Beta machines or something.
Operator: We canβt do that, sir. In order to setup a new appointment, you have to cancel your old appointment first.
Me: Wait, I have to risk losing my original appointment if I want a new one?
Me: But wonβt there be an opening in the schedule if I cancel my old appointment?
Me: Then canβt I get that opening?
Operator: I donβt know, sir. Thereβs no way to tell what the system will do until I actually do it.
Me: Why do I feel like Iβm in Vegas, itβs 4:30 in the morning, Iβm wasted and shaking from 17 Redbull Vodkas and Iβm about to play Wheel of Fortune with my last $20?
Operator: Iβm not following.
Me: You’re asking me to gamble my old appointment away.
Operator: I donβt gamble, sir.
Me: Whatβs your name?
Me: Listen, Julie. Itβs just you and me here on the phone. Forget about DirecTV for a second. And the “system.” It’s just you and me. You know what the right thing to do is in this situation. Iβm a nice guy and youβre a nice girl. Just tell them to bring the other box and no one will ever know. I wonβt tell a soul. You wonβt tell a soul. Who knows, maybe one day weβll meet up and Iβll take you out for an ice cream cone. But either way, weβll never speak a word of this as long as we live. Weβll take this secret to our graves, what do you say? Do me a favor.
Operator: Itβs against our policy, sir.
Me: Is it because this call is being recorded?
Operator: No, sir.
Me: You know, I elected to answer the survey after the call is finished.
Operator: Would you like me to schedule you a new appointment?
Operator: You want me to cancel this appointment and reschedule you a new one with the DVR?
Me: I donβt have any other choice, right?
Operator: Not if you want the DVR.
Me: WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING? How is that possible? Iβm pretty sure thereβs an appointment slot available on the same day I just had or did some asshole who just ordered service three seconds ago get an appointment the very next day? I want my old appointment back.
Operator: Iβm sorry. Thereβs nothing I can do. The old one is gone.
Me: I canβt believe this. This is ridiculous. You can forget about that ice cream cone, Julie. You can forget about everything! Okay… I need you to transfer me to your supervisor?
Operator: You want to speak to my supervisor? Sheβs going to tell you the same thing.
Me: Thatβs okay. I’ll take my chances. I’ve been this lucky so far….
Operator: Okay, let me see if sheβs available.
I’m thinking, yeah, right. Like her βsupervisorβ isnβt the fat bitch sitting right next to her who she’s going to hand the phone to right after she asks her to βTalk to this asshole and pretend youβre the supervisor.β
βCome on, Tracy! Just do it!β
βI donβt want to get in trouble, Julie. Iβm about to get another service star.β
βI would do it for you, Trace. I thought we were the crazy ones in the office.β
βWe are the crazy ones.β
βThen be crazy and do this, girl. Please?! Iβll show you a picture of Mikeβs dick from accounting.
βSupervisorβ: Hi, this is Tracy, the Floor Supervisor, how can I help you?
Me: Hi Tracy, are you really the manager?
βSupervisorβ: Yes. How can I help you today, Mr. Schneider?
Me: What was that noise in the background? It sounds like somebodyβs laughing.
βSupervisorβ: Like Julie said, thereβs nothing we can do.
Me: Thereβs nothing you can do?
βSupervisorβ: Thereβs nothing I can do sir, my hands are tied.
Me: How are you talking on the phone then?
βSupervisorβ: What do you mean? Iβm using a headset.
Me: I was kidding. Never mind. Is there someone else I can talk to whose hands arenβt tied? Like Jesus?
βSupervisorβ: Nope. Iβm the floor manager, sir and Jesus doesn’t work here.
Me: So thereβs no one else I can talk to that can help me? No one at all?
βSupervisorβ: That’s correct.
I wanted to scream. Tracy didnβt give a shit about me. I had no recourse, I was exhausted, angry. I was helpless. I did the only thing left I knew how to do. I asked Tracy what her full name and Employee ID was and I pretended to write it down, hoping to scare Tracy into helping me. But the reality was that both Tracy and I knew that thereβs was nothing I could do with that information. Who was I gonna tell? How long was I gonna have to sit on hold to tell it. And ultimately, what was I gonna say? She was doing her job exactly the way she was instructed to do it. And after all of it was all said and done, sheβd probably get another fucking service star.