Author Archives: Stephen Schneider

MYSTERY AMERICA: Border Patrol

This is a field piece where I interviewed an actual Border Patrol Auxiliary Agent to discuss the Alien problem at our borders. This was produced by Ashton Kutcher and Jason Goldberg, Directed by Mark Herwick, and Written by Mark and … Continue reading

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The DMV

The DMV is an excellent place to bring both your baby who is one week old and screaming constantly along with your two year old daughter who can’t sit still and is running all over the place with mud all over her face pulling the forms out of people’s hands. I want to hurt her. Continue reading

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Annoyatarians: A Real Conversation with a Real Meathead

Just pick something up for me while you’re at the supermarket like some Tofu or a pack of Boca Burgers, you know, something that costs extra money on top of what you’re already spending on everyone else. And then when you get home just set aside enough time to cook my meal as well as the one you’re already cooking for all the other people. That way you can cook two entirely separate meals instead of just one in order to accommodate my lifestyle that doesn’t affect you at all. Continue reading

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Going to the Gym

The gym I work out at in Hollywood smells like one giant set of man balls. So whenever I don’t feel like going, I just put my underwear over my head and run a bunch of laps around my house. But the coolest thing about LA Fitness, centered in the music capitol of the world, is definitely the house DJ, whoever picks the music. That 49-year old spinster is totally tapped into what’s hot right now. Here are three tracks that were actually played (in a row) at my gym on a Saturday during the busiest time of day: Continue reading

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Shoot Me

Going on vacation with someone who just bought a brand new camera can be a real treat. “Oh that’s interesting (snap),” “How cool is that telephone pole? (snap)” “Hey it’s been three minutes since I’ve taken a picture I should probably take another picture (snap)” I’m gonna fuckin snap (SNAP), They say a picture’s worth a thousand words but to me it’s worth just one: “STOP!” Continue reading

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Weddings Are Fun!

Hey, thanks for inviting me to your wedding that’s taking place on the other side of the country. I was just looking at this pile of money here and wondering what the hell I was going to do with it. But now I guess I’ll spend it on your wedding because that’s what’s important to me, not paying my bills. Continue reading

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Cheap Ass Motherfuckers

I used to have a roommate who didn’t pay for food. He was the last guy to ever reach in his pocket when a bill came, he would literally wait me out to the point where I was like ‘Fuck it, dude, I gotta go, you win. Happy?’ Every single time I’d order Chinese food I would ask him if he wanted anything, and he would always tell me he wasn’t hungry. Continue reading

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X’s and Ohs…

It’s funny, you can date someone for 4 years and after you break up, and a short period of time goes by, you act like complete strangers to one another when you see each other. I mean, we used to stick our fingers inside each other’s butts for crying out loud! And now, it’s like talking to a complete stranger I just met in an elevator. Continue reading

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inDirecTV

The following is a real conversation that took place between Steve Schneider & DirecTV. Continue reading

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Actors: The Most Important People on the Planet

Actors are the most important human beings on the face of the earth — everyone knows that. Not scientists or teachers. Not astronauts. Actors. Actors are the ones that are out there every day make-believing their ass off. Pretending to … Continue reading

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Mind Over Manners — Part Too

I want nothing more than for you to take a bite of my sandwich so you can stop looking at it and let me enjoy it. And don’t just take a small bite; take a really big, juicy bite so I only have half the sandwich left by the time you’re done. Also, don’t waste your time biting into the crust, that’s the worst part, leave that for me. I want you to take the best bite of the sandwich, right in the middle where all the meat is. Come on,open your mouth as wide as you possibly can and wrap those sloppy lips of yours right around my sandwich. Continue reading

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Mind Over Manners

I always try to do the right thing in life like a good little boy. I follow all the rules and get in line like the next person, but the truth is, I hate doing it. Having good manners is annoying. It gets in the way of that thing called life. Continue reading

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There’s the Rub (and Tug)

Massages are one of the most intimate things you can do with another person. That’s why I think it’s kinda funny that some lady named Consuelo who I’ve never met before has no problem spreading my butt cheeks apart to the point where she can see my spleen and the inner-lining of my stomach. Funny and awesome. Best part of any massage, hands down (literally). Continue reading

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Wet Hot American Shower (Sex)

Whenever I shower with my girlfriend I end up standing there like an asshole — shivering; hoping some of the hot water she’s enjoying will splash off her body and onto mine before I get hypothermia and have to be rushed to the hospital.Watching someone else shower is like waiting in line at the bank. All I can think is, ‘This sucks. When’s it gonna be my fuckin turn already? How much longer do you need lady?! I’m gonna kill every mother fucking last one of you!” I don’t know what it is, but having a naked woman in my shower turns me on. Is that normal? Shower sex sounds like a great idea. When I watch pornos and people have sex in the shower they always look so suave, confident and coordinated. It’s not like that at home. Continue reading

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It’s Just Lunch

What the hell is happening to us, guys? We’re filling our days with options instead of opting to fill our days. Take cereal. The classic question, “Would you want to eat the same cereal every day for the rest of your life?” I would if it were Cheerios. But Cheerios isn’t Cheerios anymore. It’s a category. Honey Nut Cheerios now has all these retarded stepbrothers and gay cousins like Fruity and Berry Burst. Let me introduce you to the “Cheerios Family”: Continue reading

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I Don’t Care Anymore

When I was in the fifth grade – you know, the time in your life when all you want is for your parents to NOT embarrass you – my dad would come to my rec basketball games wearing a pair of purple Champion sweatpants with a black leather bomber jacket. His hair would be all fucked up like he just woke up from a nap and he’d have sandals on in 20-degree weather. He looked like he’d been dressed by a retarded four year old — he might as well have had gum in his hair. Continue reading

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I hate cats (not the musical)

I fucking hate cats. Not the musical. Unless it’s about cats, then I fucking hate Cats. Before my girlfriend moved in with me she warned me that she had a cat and sooner or later it would have to move in with us. So I said, “sure, of course, honey, whatever you need me to say right now in order for us to stop talking about this and continue having sex….” Anyway, I figured the cat or I would die, before anything ever came of it. Continue reading

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Random Things about Steve Schneider

Random Things about Steve Schneider Continue reading

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Dictures

What the hell happens to my cell phone when I die? Because I have sixty pictures of my cock on there right now. Continue reading

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Birthdays

Birthdays are annoying. Everything about them. For one, what are you talking about? This isn’t the thirteenth century. There’s really no need to celebrate surviving another year. The only people who should be excited by birthdays are old people. And when you’re old, you know what you get for your birthday? You get a fucking phone call. That’s what you get, and you’re grateful. It’s what old people live for. “Can’t wait for my birthday so I can find out if my grandchildren are still alive.” Continue reading

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Awkward Moments in Time

Last week I was at a music festival in San Francisco watching Ben Harper play. That’s not the awkward part. Ben Harper has a song called “With My Own Two Hands” which goes, “I can change the world with my own two hands…” It’s a great song and his band was jamming out and the crowd was going bananas. But there’s this part in the song where he starts repeating the refrain over and over again, “…with my own…two hands…two hands…two haaaaands.” And I turned around and saw this guy standing behind me who only had one hand. Not two. Continue reading

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10 things i hate (not including you)

Here is a small collection of some things I hate (not including you): Borrowing Things, Invitations, Concerts, Public Bathrooms, Voicemails, Art Galleries, People asking me how my flight was, Phone Scenes in movies, New Cellpone Number, Having a Friend Drive Me to the Airport….

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me vs. you

I like seeing my friends do well in life, but you know what I like more? When they fail and bad shit happens to them. The other day my old roommate came up to me and told me how bullshit he was because he just got a parking ticket. And I said all the things a real human being friend is supposed to say in a situation like that like, “Oh dude! That blows! Fuckin meter-maids! They should just get a life right? So annoying!” But that’s not what I was really thinking. What I was really thinking was, “Hahahahahaha! Yes! I’m glad you got a ticket! You have to pay fifty dollars and I don’t! You happy now you little piece of shit?” Continue reading

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kiddie porn

I just read somewhere that a bunch of people got arrested for having kiddie porn on their computers. It’s a story we all hear too often. What the FUCK? Doesn’t anybody know how to cover up their tracks? Get it together guys. Here’s your first problem – STOP SAVING THE PICTURES YOU DOWNLOAD ON YOUR COMPUTER AS “Underage_boy_with_really_awesome_boner.jpg” Continue reading

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Dating

All of my friends have girlfriends. It’s so gay. Alright I’m only saying that because I’m jealous. I feel like such a loser when I go on a double date and I show up with a puppet and my friends are like, “Hey Steve, nice puppet!” And I’m like, “Shut the fuck up! This isn’t a puppet. She’s a real person and you better start treating her with a little respect.” And they’re like, “That’s definitely a puppet. You’re moving her mouth with your hand and her hair is made of yarn.” And I’m like, “Dude you’re wrong – just drop it.” Continue reading

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Names

I can’t remember people’s names and it makes me feel like an asshole. And it’s not because I’m worried people will think I don’t care about them — because I don’t. That’s no secret. It’s for practical reasons — like when I’m sitting next to someone and I need them to ‘pass me that thing over there.’ If I knew their name I wouldn’t have to stare at them for four straight minutes like a psychopath until they finally look up at me. “Can I borrow a pen?” Continue reading

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Couch Time

When I was a kid I always used to say if I could suck my own dick, I’d never leave the house. But now that I’m older and I’ve come to terms with how disgusting that would actually be, I can honestly say, if I could suck my own dick, I’d never leave the house. Ever since I was little, I was always a horny kid. Continue reading

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I Heart Airplanes

Every time I get on an airplane I always have the same fantasy – I think some hot girl’s come sit down right next to me — we’ll end up talking about her family and eventually fucking in the bathroom…but it never happens. I always end up getting stuck next to the fat guy on the plane and we end up fucking in the bathroom. Continue reading

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Ikea

Dear Ikea, you make pieces of shit. I thought I bought a wooden dresser from you. But it’s not wood. In fact, it’s cardboard. You sold me a cardboard dresser for fifty bucks. The homeless guy on my street has a cardboard dresser — he made it out of the box my dresser came in. Continue reading

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Shit Story

Instead, I sat down and checked out some of the girls on my flight. All busted and in their sixties. And then out of nowhere, I had to rip one. But there were two people sitting on both sides of me. I did the lean — like I’m looking at the monitor to check out the departure time, but really — I’m stretching my butt cheeks open to fart without making a sound. Pfffffff. Got it out. And then I just sat there and waited for the smell to envelope me and my neighbors. Once it did, I reacted like, ‘Uch. Who’s the fucking pig?’ scrunching up my face in disgust and slightly shaking my head. They knew it was me. I’m just glad they didn’t vote. Continue reading

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Reading Sucks

Books are okay sometimes I guess, like when spiders are crawling around and you need to smash their lights out with something or you when you need to lift your stereo speaker off the ground so you can get better sound quality and for fire. But overall, it just seems like something to do when you can’t sleep and you have a huge erection. Continue reading

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Yo, You’re Breath Stinks

I keep making up excuses for why I haven’t been returning this girl’s calls. But the truth is her breath stinks – always. It’s so bad that my breath has begun stinking just from kissing her. When we’re alone out at dinner, I prefer texting her instead of talking to her. I told her I have unlimited texts. I don’t even think that exists. Continue reading

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Manager Mother

People outside of LA have no clue how things work in the entertainment business. And by people, I mean my mother. Continue reading

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Voices

I’m really good at finding what’s wrong with people and telling them about it. It’s not that I’m good at telling them, I’m just really good ABOUT telling them. I try to do what normal people do and ignore other people’s flaws [because I have plenty of my own (this being one of them)] but eventually it ends up eating away at my patience — making me angrier and angrier – I start looking for it, anticipating it — actually wanting them to do it — the thing I hate — just so I can be right and hate them more. Until I can’t take it anymore and I explode. Continue reading

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